I know, I know, such a lame title. I need to take a class how to come up with an interesting blog title. But that’s what really true. Rewind back to Thursday morning when we experienced some rainy, tropical type, yet cold, weird, so unlike Southern California weather lately. That morning we had a power outage, that lasted about 1 minute or so, which for some other worldly reason caused a shortage on our refrigerator. This refrigerator is not even a year old, but since we usually don’t buy extended warranties, we were not covered for a replacement. At first, when I noticed that the temp in the freezer felt like room temperature, I automatically blamed it on Elden and thought perhaps he was fiddling around with the temperature knobs. The next morning, Den noticed that the freezer was still at room temperature, and that the popsicles were melting, and it starting stinking, we figured something was very wrong. So we called S*#rs. They told us that a technician can come on Wednesday of the following week. Den was able to get another frig technician to come on Saturday morning, in which they told him that it would cost $500 to replace, so we ended up having to buy a new frig that evening. Well unfortunately for us, that was essentially our vacation money. (And yes, we had already spent our tax refund or payback, whatever it’s called). They were supposed to deliver it on Sunday, but for some reason during delivery, the frig was damaged, so they told us they would attempt another delivery this coming Tuesday, which is tomorrow. We ended up having to throw over $100 of groceries, mostly frozen meat. We didn’t think to buy ice to store in an ice chest, until it was too late.

Anyways, we went to the house this weekend to look around and see what work has to be done before we move in. Nothing has been replaced since we first moved into this house in 1976 or something. A very nice couple has been been living there, since our family moved out in 2000, when my parent’s completed building their dream house. They have one adult son, who was in college when they moved in, so it has been just the two of them ever since. My dad built all the concrete brick wall around the perimeter of the house, which are all still in excellent condition. I remember when they first built the swimming pool. I remember my brother would ride his bike into the pool. This was with water in the pool. LOL! We would throw all the lawn chair in the pool and just mess around. Every July 4 (which is my dad’s birthday) we would have a huge party, and before firecrackers were illegal, the adults would shoot up those huge rocket firecrackers. I remember our dog Whiskey, would bark like crazy and run up to the firecrackers, and would try to chase them. I’m surprised that it never caused a fire.

They currently have black appliances currently in there, but I definitely want a more modern look, so they will take those with them. The counters are this horrid green colour. That will definitely have to go. In the front atrium, open hallway area, is this wonderful mediterranean tile. It is nice, but if we are going to go modern, we can’t have this tile. We plan on installing pergo wood all throughout the bottom floor, including my craft room. Yes, I did mention that I will be having a craft room. Yay, I am so excited! I really need my own private idaho to create in privacy. I’ve been having these creative spurts these last few days, and have the oven inside the bathroom, which is definitely not the best place to bake my clay, especially with the kids around. So it will be great to have my own studio. I have a goal this year with my art work, which will be an entry for another day.

We of course will be repainting, but I want to actually paint the rooms different colours. I am not quite sure what colours yet. I do have an idea for a colour scheme for the kitchen. I’m really excited finally about moving. We’ve been talking about forever. Den will be much closer to work. Actually, we can see the University from our backyard, which btw has a beautiful view. I did take pictures, but I finally took our main computer to get fixed, and I can’t upload any photos, since I don’t have a card reader for the laptop.

I guess I am back to my disjointed ramblings. : )

1. Brennan starts basketball practice today. I am excited to see him dribble a basketball. (Ahh, yes the simple things in life makes me happy)
2. I am pleased as punch to be part of the San Jose video team for the ALA Anaheim Conference in June.
3. My goal this week is to complete scholarship forms.
4. I am really loving the HBO series “The Oz”. I started Season 3 this morning.
5. Need to schedule contractors for estimates.
6. Why do the both of the boys have to pee in their beds.
7. I really want to play with polymer clay.
9. We haven’t been to Disneyland since 2004.
9. Today would have been perfect for Disneyland because it is a cloudy, cool, rainy day.
10. Today is teacher / parent conferences at Brennan’s school.

“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

My husband woke up this morning and saw this entry open on the computer before I published it. He asked me, do you want to write about this? It seems so personal. Like it should be in a diary. My response was, “Yeah, I want to write about this. This is exactly what this entry is about.”

I admit that I don’t really pour my heart and soul in this blog. I’m not sure that I really ever have, after blogging these past few years. I have not felt comfortable enough to open myself up. I don’t know what I am afraid of. It has been a part of my personality for as long as I can remember. Of opening myself fully. This weakness that I have inside of me. I’ve been shaped this way by society, by my Korean-American upbringing, my experiences in growing up in a Methodist church and then continuing on to a Catholic high school and then briefly attending a 7th Day Adventist University, by my work experiences, and by my mother who even to this day makes me feel like I am not doing anything right. I have grown afraid of being judged, so I go on living afraid to speak out or to express my opinions. To show the strong side of my personality. When I am in a social setting, where people are partaking in a lively discussion, not necessarily something controversial, I am afraid to state what my opinion is because I afraid that someone will disagree with me, or will tell me that I am wrong. So I just sit there and nod my head in agreement to whatever they are saying. I’m afraid to get into any heated debate, where my opinion will be questioned. Even on message boards, I rarely give my two cents in a discussion. Yes, I am even afraid of confrontation with people I don’t even see or know face-to-face. And when I talk to my husband about any random thing, and he disagrees with me, I feel myself getting aggravated and agitated. Although, of all the people in the world, this person that I have been married to for almost 13 years, and have know since I have been know since high school, I should be able to feel the most comfortable around.

A few years back before the kids were born, when I attended couples therapy with my husband, and I told the therapist that I wanted to commit suicide, she sort of scoffed at me, and brushed it off as a side issue. She made me feel real stupid about the whole thing. I was like hell, I am here pouring my heart and soul out to you, and you are disagreeing with me about something so serious. She was actually much more interested in the relationship that I had with me mother.

Those issues with my mom. I just sort of just accept them and try not to let it bother me, but it still does.

I want to be a person who is not afraid of being strong and opinionated, but mostly not afraid to be judged. After being alive for 36 years, you would think that I would already be past all that.

So that is my weakness.

1. I’m awake now because I should be working on work projects now, but I’m not. (2:34 a.m.)
2. Anticipating season two of OZ. (rented from the library)
3. Still reading “The Rape of Nanking” by Iris Chang.
4. Really sad about the loss of life around the world
5. I would love to see Sex and the City movie, but I doubt the hubby would want to watch it with me. (need to schedule movie night with the girls)
6. Not sure if I am looking forward having Brennan’s friend and the friend’s brother (”the beef”) over on Saturday night. (That is what the kid calls himself. Funny!)
7. I need to start planning the renovation for this house and get ready for the move over the summer.
8. I got an A- on my Reference class. Yay!
9. I’m loving my new fish eyes lens.
10. Wasn’t this exciting to read?